This is why people hire professionals

I have been scraping paint and sanding woodwork and patching plaster and inhaling lead and sweeping up dust for a month now and I am now officially able to start painting the girls bedroom...and my back is crooked and my elbow hurts and my hands are scabbed and bloody; at this point I would be willing to pay any amount of money to just have it over with.

Good thing I have no money or someone might take advantage of me.

I was kidding about the bloody hands part.

Our latest former friend

Meet Sarah.

Old Baby picked her out of a tank at the supermarket after a great many minutes of examination and discussion. We bagged Sarah up and brought her home to live in our refrigerator for a couple of hours. She loved frolicking amongst the produce and dairy during our brief relationship and thus I didn't feel that bad when B forced her into a pot of boiling water.

Old Baby was thrilled to have a pet that could also be dinner...















New Baby, obviously the less sadistic of my two offspring, seemed unhappy to see Sarah in this condition.

We enjoyed Sarah thoroughly, with the exception of a small portion of her tail which accidentally became contaminated with lobster shit, which tasted exactly like what you might think it tastes like.


And then we had ice cream. Amen.

ugh

It is approximately 1000 degrees right now.

It's so humid everything feels spongy and sticky and the ants are making inroads into our dining room and kitchen despite my best efforts to eliminate the tasty morsels my children tend to leave scattered about the floor....so I fear opening the windows and making it easier for them, and it's hotter and more humid with the windows open anyway. The most comfortable place to be right now is the basement, but that is too horrorshow what with cobwebs, etc.

Did I mention that we now live in Spidertown? I'll have to start photo documenting how many I find in any given day- when I enter the bathroom every night to brush my teeth it isn't a question of whether or not there will be a spider waiting for me, it's a question of where and how many. There is also some type of freakishly huge tarantula type beast that has taken up residence in the vicinity of our trash can and waits for me...this reminds me of when I was a kid and there was another freakishly huge spider that used to wait for me at the bottom of the basement stairs for me. No one believed me-for months I tried to tell my mom and sister why I just couldn't go down there and this was met with a "yeah, right" until the damned thing died and left it's leggy remains where it used to lie in wait for me and I could definitively prove that I was neither hallucinating nor was I lying...at any rate I'm a bit surprised by the sheer number and variety of arachnids in the area around our home.

Oh, I forgot the part about taking New Baby to her sandbox today and finding the lid COVERED in some daddy long leg things. Are they nesting there? Is that possible?

Kleptobinky

This is what my youngest child stole from KB toys earlier today-just slipped it right in the bag while no one was watching-I was about to write about theft but just noticed how much this looks like a long thin brown penis and now I am too busy laughing...

06.08.08-UPDATE: for those of you (mom) who inquired as to what exactly this is, it seems to be a bullwhip- flavored chinese yo-yo ( I don't even know if that's what I mean to say....what in the hell is a chinese yo-yo? I Googled it and got something else entirely), or maybe it's supposed to be lariat-y chinese yo-yo...actually it's certainly supposed to be a lariat...I need to sleep now, I just spelled "actually" with a k.

Old Baby makes a funny

Yesterday in the car:

Old Baby:"Mom, do you know what this car needs?"

Me: "No, what does it need?"

Old Baby: "A f(unintelligible)"

Me: "What?"

Old Baby: "A f(unintelligible)"

Me: "What?"

Old Baby: " A fart... but it's ok, I already gave it one"

Hello Again

I had given up this blog months ago when I realized that I was boring myself with the endless rants, but as the family has moved far far away from everyone we know and love I think this is a good time to start 'er up again to keep everyone informed about the minutiae of our daily life.

A quick update: We now reside in New England. We bought an old and gorgeous house that needs endless work and limitless love. Big Papa has a new job. Old Baby is almost 5 and New Baby is really not so new anymore at 17 months. Our new town is small. I am homesick for the big city and all my friends. I am trying to channel all of my mixed emotions into home improvement.

Here are a few things that are different here:

Shopping carts are called "carriages"

Dinner is called "suppah"

There are hills.

There is no sales tax on groceries.